friendships, high school, psyche

After my whole speech below (‘Seniors’) it turns out I will stay at my school 2 more years. Ugh.

As much as the thought of leaving filled me with nostalgia and this bittersweet feeling of goodbye… Staying makes me feel both incredibly excited to do well and be better, but also makes me feel indecisive and anxious.

I stand at crossroads. When I was researching ancient Greek mythology for a paper I learned about Hecate, the Goddess of Crossroads.

She is this magical, powerful being who let’s you decide your fate on the choices you make. You always have 3 choices in front of you: West, North and East. You also have a fourth option: to not make a choice and go backwards. To go South. You can never stop moving, you only choose which way you’ll go. Crossroads.

Going for another 2 years at my school is something that I needed badly. It’s not just what I need to get into a university. It’s like a second chance. My last 1 to 2 years I regressed as a person. When I stood at my crossroads then I chose backwards. I still regret it.

I believe everything happens so you can learn from it. I’ve learned that I can never let that happen again. Some bad stuff happened and I felt like I didn’t deserve to go forward again. I kept giving my friends space until I was completely isolated in the end. Its easy to do this, ridiculously easy even. It’s even more ridiculous how hard it is to get back to the point you started at.

Now I feel like I have a clean slate: most people I knew from school are gone and now I can be whoever I want to be. But…

Who the hell is that?



friendships, high school

This time of year is seriously filled with longing: for being graduated, for sun, for summer. It’s as if anticipation is the air we breathe at school now.

Our finals are almost here and I honestly thought we would all be a hell of a lot more grown up. I always pictured us prepared and  looking a lot older. When I used to think  about this moment it would be distant and far off and I am still clinging to that vision. The truth is, this time of year is scary. I am terrified I won’t make it. This month will define if we graduate or not. Thinking about having to do those tests gives me so much anxiety, I can’t even tell you.

Oddly enough I am also looking forward towards it. This year I’ve learned to smile when something seems scary to me, because anxiety and excitement are like love and hate: very close together. Dreaming about the summer has helped me look forward to the exams and most of all the last one, haha. Also: pills. Just kidding. Kind of…

As much as I am looking forward towards summer break and being graduated,  I can’t help myself from feeling nostalgic. I am looking forward to the fresh start I am going to make and I have hated this school intensely, but it’s where I learned everything and met amazing people. To think that next year all those amazing people will be gone makes me sad. Nothing more. Nothing less. It makes me sad. All those people whom I was in that hell with are going to vastly different places, we were in this together and now we are all going our own ways and I feel lost without them around. Maybe that is what growing up feels like.

So I am going to cling to these last weeks, with all my heart, because as much as I wish some people would just fall off the face off the earth and stay there, there are still some that made those 5 years bearable. I am even going to enjoy waking up early, sitting in those boring classes and being around those jerks. I am going to miss them. I just know it. I am going to miss every horrible aspect of that school, which is insane, I mean High School Musical didn’t happen; there was no Troy Bolton, my locker isn’t decorated and at the prom I will have no cute feather haired boyfriend.

And yet I am so sure that I will miss them, it is probably just graduation goggles, but fuck, this place is all I know. It has been our little world for so long, it’s where we grew up and started becoming tiny adults. Now we have to say goodbye to everyone who was there in it with us and that thought isn’t sinking in at all. It is so weird, maybe it’s the fear of the big bad world out there, maybe it’s having to say goodbye to my friends, but I will miss this place, I really will.

Of course there is still a part in me that wants to see it burn to the ground, but yeah.


friendships, high school, psyche

Holy crap the year is over. 2014 and 2013 have been the most insane, wonderful, awful, eyeopening, jaw dropping, amazing years ever. I have done so much that I never thought I would do, granted a lot of things I now look back at with a cringing face whispering to myself ‘O god why did I do that?’ but still.

Just two years ago I was desperately hoping something exciting would happen and kind of afraid it never would, but damn it, it happened. I have gone to party’s, had crushes, embarrassed myself in front of said crushes, made friends with complete strangers and had roughly 20,000,000,000 clarifying moments.

I have done and seen things that never even entered my mind when I was daydreaming about the future. I have gone to England and fallen in love with it, I have done a 5K(that was TOUGH!), I have done a pants-trade, have thought of a concept for a book, gone to concerts, gone to another Vogue night out, shopped more than ever in my entire life and realised truly how much my friends and family mean to me. And that’s a lot.

These years have been the weirdest and greatest of my life, but I can’t help but look back at it kind of sad. It was amazing at some times, but there is also a lot I would love to forget. Things I wish didn’t happen and things I wish I had done. But that’s what I love about this day, this evening, I leave it all behind. Now, don’t you worry, I’m not going to say ‘New Year , new me!” haha, but I am saying let’s leave it all behind. Everything. The good, but especially the bad. It’s been enough, we have obsessed, dreamed and thought about the bad way too much. It’s time for something new, a clean slate. The only thing that is standing in our way is us and it’s time to let it go. Think of last year, the first couple of things that pop in your head were the most important. For me, the bad stuff is overshadowing everything, even though there has been so much greatness. I’m going to stop focussing so much on things that went wrong. And look forwards towards the good stuff more.

My stupid new year’s resolution isn’t just finally studying and such things, but not getting in my own way. If I want to do something, I want to stop myself from stopping myself. I want to be the most adventurous version of myself.

What’s your new years resolution?


friendships, high school, psyche

Conditioning is something that has been a lot on my mind lately. Because of this post from Tumblr:

-If you can’t see it well, click on it!-


Conditioning means this:

A process of changing behaviour by rewarding or punishing a subject each time an action is performed.

I thought back to my biologie classes and was so relieved, like someone just told me “Hey! You aren’t a horrible person after all. Yay!”. I always thought the first thought you had was the real one, like an instinct and the thoughts after that one were there as afterthought. The more socially acceptable afterthought.

It means that every time you do something, you either get a reward (e.g. people laugh at your joke) or you get punished (e.g. people make nasty remarks at you). It basically says, you are either in or out of the group.

Being in high school means dealing with new people, new groups all the time and if you want to fit in… You have to adapt, a little at least. It’s like testing the water; see what the other person reacts well on (e.g. white girl jokes) or really not (e.g. satanic worshipping).

The picture says that the first thought you have is the conditioned one, the second one is your true thought. I think that theorie is right, by conditioning you can learn behaviour to save your life; like putting water immediately on your burn. That isn’t a reflex, letting go or the hot object is, but the water part is something you have conditioned you mind to think.

High school is like a hot pan on the stove, every time you get burned you find a way to get time stove to like you better, to accept you and.. wait what? Well, you know what I mean! My point is is that friends change you, bullies change you, experiences change you and sometimes you can’t find your way back to who you used to be.

You think all these negative things you never used to think and then you feel guilty, because you don’t even know this person, this girl/guy and you have this jealous, hateful opinion in your head, but that might not be you. It might just be how you survived all this time, because after you think “Jezus what a slut, she only wear that to get attention.” you think “Damn it, where the hell did that come from? I wish I looked that good in jeans, she’s just confident. Go you girl!”.

It’s something you taught yourself, because other have said it before you and that’s how you fit is. By thinking alike, but take a minute before you say anything, keep thinking and thinking until you get back to how you really feel and say that. Don’t get swept up in other people’s opinions if they make you feel bad. Conditioning is a good thing when it’s helping you fit in or saving your life in an accident, but it can also make you feel like you are a bad person. You are not, it’s the thought after the first one that defines you. If that is good, you are.