friendships, high school, psyche

After my whole speech below (‘Seniors’) it turns out I will stay at my school 2 more years. Ugh.

As much as the thought of leaving filled me with nostalgia and this bittersweet feeling of goodbye… Staying makes me feel both incredibly excited to do well and be better, but also makes me feel indecisive and anxious.

I stand at crossroads. When I was researching ancient Greek mythology for a paper I learned about Hecate, the Goddess of Crossroads.

She is this magical, powerful being who let’s you decide your fate on the choices you make. You always have 3 choices in front of you: West, North and East. You also have a fourth option: to not make a choice and go backwards. To go South. You can never stop moving, you only choose which way you’ll go. Crossroads.

Going for another 2 years at my school is something that I needed badly. It’s not just what I need to get into a university. It’s like a second chance. My last 1 to 2 years I regressed as a person. When I stood at my crossroads then I chose backwards. I still regret it.

I believe everything happens so you can learn from it. I’ve learned that I can never let that happen again. Some bad stuff happened and I felt like I didn’t deserve to go forward again. I kept giving my friends space until I was completely isolated in the end. Its easy to do this, ridiculously easy even. It’s even more ridiculous how hard it is to get back to the point you started at.

Now I feel like I have a clean slate: most people I knew from school are gone and now I can be whoever I want to be. But…

Who the hell is that?



friendships, high school

This time of year is seriously filled with longing: for being graduated, for sun, for summer. It’s as if anticipation is the air we breathe at school now.

Our finals are almost here and I honestly thought we would all be a hell of a lot more grown up. I always pictured us prepared and  looking a lot older. When I used to think  about this moment it would be distant and far off and I am still clinging to that vision. The truth is, this time of year is scary. I am terrified I won’t make it. This month will define if we graduate or not. Thinking about having to do those tests gives me so much anxiety, I can’t even tell you.

Oddly enough I am also looking forward towards it. This year I’ve learned to smile when something seems scary to me, because anxiety and excitement are like love and hate: very close together. Dreaming about the summer has helped me look forward to the exams and most of all the last one, haha. Also: pills. Just kidding. Kind of…

As much as I am looking forward towards summer break and being graduated,  I can’t help myself from feeling nostalgic. I am looking forward to the fresh start I am going to make and I have hated this school intensely, but it’s where I learned everything and met amazing people. To think that next year all those amazing people will be gone makes me sad. Nothing more. Nothing less. It makes me sad. All those people whom I was in that hell with are going to vastly different places, we were in this together and now we are all going our own ways and I feel lost without them around. Maybe that is what growing up feels like.

So I am going to cling to these last weeks, with all my heart, because as much as I wish some people would just fall off the face off the earth and stay there, there are still some that made those 5 years bearable. I am even going to enjoy waking up early, sitting in those boring classes and being around those jerks. I am going to miss them. I just know it. I am going to miss every horrible aspect of that school, which is insane, I mean High School Musical didn’t happen; there was no Troy Bolton, my locker isn’t decorated and at the prom I will have no cute feather haired boyfriend.

And yet I am so sure that I will miss them, it is probably just graduation goggles, but fuck, this place is all I know. It has been our little world for so long, it’s where we grew up and started becoming tiny adults. Now we have to say goodbye to everyone who was there in it with us and that thought isn’t sinking in at all. It is so weird, maybe it’s the fear of the big bad world out there, maybe it’s having to say goodbye to my friends, but I will miss this place, I really will.

Of course there is still a part in me that wants to see it burn to the ground, but yeah.