friendships, high school, psyche

After my whole speech below (‘Seniors’) it turns out I will stay at my school 2 more years. Ugh.

As much as the thought of leaving filled me with nostalgia and this bittersweet feeling of goodbye… Staying makes me feel both incredibly excited to do well and be better, but also makes me feel indecisive and anxious.

I stand at crossroads. When I was researching ancient Greek mythology for a paper I learned about Hecate, the Goddess of Crossroads.

She is this magical, powerful being who let’s you decide your fate on the choices you make. You always have 3 choices in front of you: West, North and East. You also have a fourth option: to not make a choice and go backwards. To go South. You can never stop moving, you only choose which way you’ll go. Crossroads.

Going for another 2 years at my school is something that I needed badly. It’s not just what I need to get into a university. It’s like a second chance. My last 1 to 2 years I regressed as a person. When I stood at my crossroads then I chose backwards. I still regret it.

I believe everything happens so you can learn from it. I’ve learned that I can never let that happen again. Some bad stuff happened and I felt like I didn’t deserve to go forward again. I kept giving my friends space until I was completely isolated in the end. Its easy to do this, ridiculously easy even. It’s even more ridiculous how hard it is to get back to the point you started at.

Now I feel like I have a clean slate: most people I knew from school are gone and now I can be whoever I want to be. But…

Who the hell is that?



friendships, high school, psyche

Holy crap the year is over. 2014 and 2013 have been the most insane, wonderful, awful, eyeopening, jaw dropping, amazing years ever. I have done so much that I never thought I would do, granted a lot of things I now look back at with a cringing face whispering to myself ‘O god why did I do that?’ but still.

Just two years ago I was desperately hoping something exciting would happen and kind of afraid it never would, but damn it, it happened. I have gone to party’s, had crushes, embarrassed myself in front of said crushes, made friends with complete strangers and had roughly 20,000,000,000 clarifying moments.

I have done and seen things that never even entered my mind when I was daydreaming about the future. I have gone to England and fallen in love with it, I have done a 5K(that was TOUGH!), I have done a pants-trade, have thought of a concept for a book, gone to concerts, gone to another Vogue night out, shopped more than ever in my entire life and realised truly how much my friends and family mean to me. And that’s a lot.

These years have been the weirdest and greatest of my life, but I can’t help but look back at it kind of sad. It was amazing at some times, but there is also a lot I would love to forget. Things I wish didn’t happen and things I wish I had done. But that’s what I love about this day, this evening, I leave it all behind. Now, don’t you worry, I’m not going to say ‘New Year , new me!” haha, but I am saying let’s leave it all behind. Everything. The good, but especially the bad. It’s been enough, we have obsessed, dreamed and thought about the bad way too much. It’s time for something new, a clean slate. The only thing that is standing in our way is us and it’s time to let it go. Think of last year, the first couple of things that pop in your head were the most important. For me, the bad stuff is overshadowing everything, even though there has been so much greatness. I’m going to stop focussing so much on things that went wrong. And look forwards towards the good stuff more.

My stupid new year’s resolution isn’t just finally studying and such things, but not getting in my own way. If I want to do something, I want to stop myself from stopping myself. I want to be the most adventurous version of myself.

What’s your new years resolution?


friendships, high school, psyche

Conditioning is something that has been a lot on my mind lately. Because of this post from Tumblr:

-If you can’t see it well, click on it!-


Conditioning means this:

A process of changing behaviour by rewarding or punishing a subject each time an action is performed.

I thought back to my biologie classes and was so relieved, like someone just told me “Hey! You aren’t a horrible person after all. Yay!”. I always thought the first thought you had was the real one, like an instinct and the thoughts after that one were there as afterthought. The more socially acceptable afterthought.

It means that every time you do something, you either get a reward (e.g. people laugh at your joke) or you get punished (e.g. people make nasty remarks at you). It basically says, you are either in or out of the group.

Being in high school means dealing with new people, new groups all the time and if you want to fit in… You have to adapt, a little at least. It’s like testing the water; see what the other person reacts well on (e.g. white girl jokes) or really not (e.g. satanic worshipping).

The picture says that the first thought you have is the conditioned one, the second one is your true thought. I think that theorie is right, by conditioning you can learn behaviour to save your life; like putting water immediately on your burn. That isn’t a reflex, letting go or the hot object is, but the water part is something you have conditioned you mind to think.

High school is like a hot pan on the stove, every time you get burned you find a way to get time stove to like you better, to accept you and.. wait what? Well, you know what I mean! My point is is that friends change you, bullies change you, experiences change you and sometimes you can’t find your way back to who you used to be.

You think all these negative things you never used to think and then you feel guilty, because you don’t even know this person, this girl/guy and you have this jealous, hateful opinion in your head, but that might not be you. It might just be how you survived all this time, because after you think “Jezus what a slut, she only wear that to get attention.” you think “Damn it, where the hell did that come from? I wish I looked that good in jeans, she’s just confident. Go you girl!”.

It’s something you taught yourself, because other have said it before you and that’s how you fit is. By thinking alike, but take a minute before you say anything, keep thinking and thinking until you get back to how you really feel and say that. Don’t get swept up in other people’s opinions if they make you feel bad. Conditioning is a good thing when it’s helping you fit in or saving your life in an accident, but it can also make you feel like you are a bad person. You are not, it’s the thought after the first one that defines you. If that is good, you are.

Faith restored

boys, friendships

Okay, so I was talking to my guy friend Jeremy, on Messenger and we started talking about awkwardness when meeting new people and J said that he was such a wreck when talking to new girls. My jaw dropped. “GUYS HAVE THAT TOO?!” I basically screamed at my phone.

All this time I was thinking that the role of awkward lead character was going to us girls, but here J was saying that guys are just as nervous. Where was this info all my life?

He said that he was like one of those typical awkward guys from the movies(I still don’t know what movies he is talking about, I only see the awkward girls everywhere, but okay). He doesn’t know what to talk about and get’s super nervous. I showed him this gem of a picture, because it basically describes my entire life.



He said he could relate, haha. I still can’t believe that most guys are just as nervous as we are. J made it seem like he was so nervous with new girls that he could only mumble awkwardly and make weird remarks and that is supposed to be my role.

I guess it does matter what sort of vibe(as a girl) you give off. If you act all high-and-mighty and don’t comfort the dude at all, you can expect him to become a wreck right? So lets not do that, but still… It is really nice to know that meeting new people is anxiety inducing to everyone. It’s not just for girls. Now that he told me I do notice it,  sometimes when I talk to a guy he might get red, laugh nervously or get fidgety with his hands. To me now, those are little signs that you can have an affect on others too, not just them on you. And damn, that feels good.



Don’t you sometimes wish you could actually say what you were thinking?

I have this all the time and I know my friend Gemma has this too, we both kind of have an eye for interesting looking guys and every now and we always say “Daaaymnn”. Sometimes the guy in question hears though. The embarrassment is real you guys.

I was at a film gala sort of thing. This insanely hot dude comes on stage and I was thinking “Daaaymn”. Apparently I forgot I was front row, sitting 3 feet from him and that it was super quiet. Yes, apparently I forgot all that because I said that “Daaaaymn.” out loud. Very loud. Heads turning, me sinking away in my chair, that guy probably hearing. A night to forget rather than remember.

But let’s say it isn’t about showing you appreciation of the opposite gender in a somewhat vocal way, but when you really want to speak your mind. Like when that annoying boy who sits in bio with you makes yet another nasty remark at someone or when you actually, really like someone and it’s not yet ‘appropriate’ too.

My friend Gemma seems to be the only other person who understands me when I say that I really like a boy, when I have only spoken once to him. See, we can see the future in it’s best of ways.. The fake, made-up kind. We could see ourselves have a first date, deep conversations and baby’s with a guy we see walking down the street. Now imagine us talking to a real life guy. Wow. And we are quite easily impressed too because it only takes two things for us to go from “Oh he’s nice” to “He’s so pretty I wanna cry”.

1. He needs to either have our sense of humor or the same taste in music or pretty much anything we like too and BAM.

2.The lighting. Carrie from Sex and the City called it the zaza-zoo “You know that butterfly in your stomach thing”. Well, we call it the lighting, you know when you lock eyes and it feels like your heart explodes. Ha, beat that Carrie!

When a guy has those two things he has us and it’s really not that hard since we create number 2 mostly because we are so nervous, seeing our crush and all.

What really bugs me is that I can’t say “I like you” to a guy, when I do. Like what’s with all the secrecy? It’s bullshit, I would love to tell some dude “I like you” even if it’s weird because it’s only the second time we talked. “I like you” does not mean “Marry me and love me forever!” in secret girl-language. But how great would it be if there was a secret girl language? That would be amazing.

Anyways guys always complain about girls being so vague, should we just tell them what we think and be honest about what we feel and want? Or would that be a whole new level of creepy? If we told them the truth about what went on in our heads would they run for the hills with their tails between their legs?

They probably would, maybe it’s better to just ease them into our crazy, haha. But still, does that mean we shouldn’t be frank when it comes to how we feel about the dude himself? Does that mean we have to keep pretending to not like a guy even when we totally do? I always see these girls in movies saying “I like you” in this oh-so casual way and the guy says something like “right back at ya” and there’s no freaking out, there is only a mild awkwardness and nothin’ else. You know what, I’m going to use that move, guys come out of the blue with stupid and bold pick-up lines all the time(sadly). So a nonchalant and simple “I like you” can’t hurt right?  I think, ladies, if we keep it simple and ease them into the whirlwind of thoughts that go on beneath that humongous hair we will be allright. Just don’t Ted up(HIMYM joke, sorry) and say “I think I’m in love with you” on your first date, that would be awkward.


Boys love being ignored


My friend Anna told me this fact and I seriously didn’t believe it, but it’s true: boys love being ignored.

There once was this guy and he wanted me to come over and hang out, get a drink. I really didn’t want to and said no. Poof! Like magic his interest in me went from average to constant texts and I could count on a call every weekend. Why is it that we need to ignore a guy for a guy to notice us?

Some people have stated that it’s probably a primal thing, where men still need a hunt in order to feel like they accomplished something. I don’t like it that in this statement the chick is the prey. No thank you. But maybe there is some truth to that statement, like this instinct is still in their DNA. Playing hard to get can be sexy, but what if you’re hard to want? Then what? You are just subtlety ignoring someone who doesn’t even know you exist. That’s the huge flaw in the hard-to-get game, if the other person isn’t interested in you, you can’t play.

But the question remains: why? What is the fun in it? Are guys even aware that they are driven by this law that a girl is only interesting if she isn’t interested? Do they know how annoying that is?!

I did research. My friend Steven had asked me the night before if I wanted to hang out. I was already about 3 hours asleep in my flannel jammies when he sent that, I mean dude it’s 01:00 am what do you expect from me? The next morning I had asked him why he was texting me and after he responded I ignored him the rest of the day. It was late at night when he caught me ignoring him and he asked me to the movies. So far Anna was right. The movies fell through and it became a hangout at his house with his friend Joe.

The hangout itself was pretty okay, after some discussions going nowhere I asked them point blank “Is playing hard-to-get sexy?”. After the initial shock of the question they answered that they both didn’t like it much, they didn’t like being ignored. Jeez, welcome to my world boys. I’ve got a masters degree in being ignored as my Twitter hero Fat Amy would say.

But they also said that a girl who says yes at the first try is probably desperate. Ergo you need to play hard ball or you’ll seem way too eager. I don’t really understand why a girl would seem desperate or over-eager if she says yes to a drink when a guy asks her. Don’t ask if you don’t want an answer.

A girl is supposed to be arrogant, but not too arrogant. A girl is supposed to play it cool or she’ll seem desperate. A girl is supposed to be absolutely gorgeous and the guys what do they look like? Yeah, they don’t have Efron’s abs or Gosling’s face and they certainly don’t have Dicaprio’s charm, no no. But in their minds they have all of that and more apparently because they act like they can get any girl.

So to the guys, here’s my advice: don’t act like you have the ability to be choosy. Try and be a nice guy and if that fails, hit the gym. Hard. Then we can talk.

To the girls, if you watch ‘How I Met Your Mother’ and you should, you know JLo is in one of the episodes. She plays writer Anita, she’s on Robyn’s news show where she talk about her new book called ‘Of Course You’re Still Single Take A Look At Yourself You Dumb Slut’ and damn it, she has a point. If you like a guy and he seems interested in you, sadly you can’t just say “Yes, yes a million times yes!” the very first time he asks you for a drink. Decline a couple of times and he’ll come running. Anita talks about the power of saying no and it seemed to work very well for her and who am I to argue with JLo?

Boys are dumb, like really really dumb and they will always drive us crazy, that’s just a fact. Tough if you know what the rules to the game are, you can actually start playing. And maybe even win.