friendships, high school, psyche

After my whole speech below (‘Seniors’) it turns out I will stay at my school 2 more years. Ugh.

As much as the thought of leaving filled me with nostalgia and this bittersweet feeling of goodbye… Staying makes me feel both incredibly excited to do well and be better, but also makes me feel indecisive and anxious.

I stand at crossroads. When I was researching ancient Greek mythology for a paper I learned about Hecate, the Goddess of Crossroads.

She is this magical, powerful being who let’s you decide your fate on the choices you make. You always have 3 choices in front of you: West, North and East. You also have a fourth option: to not make a choice and go backwards. To go South. You can never stop moving, you only choose which way you’ll go. Crossroads.

Going for another 2 years at my school is something that I needed badly. It’s not just what I need to get into a university. It’s like a second chance. My last 1 to 2 years I regressed as a person. When I stood at my crossroads then I chose backwards. I still regret it.

I believe everything happens so you can learn from it. I’ve learned that I can never let that happen again. Some bad stuff happened and I felt like I didn’t deserve to go forward again. I kept giving my friends space until I was completely isolated in the end. Its easy to do this, ridiculously easy even. It’s even more ridiculous how hard it is to get back to the point you started at.

Now I feel like I have a clean slate: most people I knew from school are gone and now I can be whoever I want to be. But…

Who the hell is that?



friendships, high school, psyche

Holy crap the year is over. 2014 and 2013 have been the most insane, wonderful, awful, eyeopening, jaw dropping, amazing years ever. I have done so much that I never thought I would do, granted a lot of things I now look back at with a cringing face whispering to myself ‘O god why did I do that?’ but still.

Just two years ago I was desperately hoping something exciting would happen and kind of afraid it never would, but damn it, it happened. I have gone to party’s, had crushes, embarrassed myself in front of said crushes, made friends with complete strangers and had roughly 20,000,000,000 clarifying moments.

I have done and seen things that never even entered my mind when I was daydreaming about the future. I have gone to England and fallen in love with it, I have done a 5K(that was TOUGH!), I have done a pants-trade, have thought of a concept for a book, gone to concerts, gone to another Vogue night out, shopped more than ever in my entire life and realised truly how much my friends and family mean to me. And that’s a lot.

These years have been the weirdest and greatest of my life, but I can’t help but look back at it kind of sad. It was amazing at some times, but there is also a lot I would love to forget. Things I wish didn’t happen and things I wish I had done. But that’s what I love about this day, this evening, I leave it all behind. Now, don’t you worry, I’m not going to say ‘New Year , new me!” haha, but I am saying let’s leave it all behind. Everything. The good, but especially the bad. It’s been enough, we have obsessed, dreamed and thought about the bad way too much. It’s time for something new, a clean slate. The only thing that is standing in our way is us and it’s time to let it go. Think of last year, the first couple of things that pop in your head were the most important. For me, the bad stuff is overshadowing everything, even though there has been so much greatness. I’m going to stop focussing so much on things that went wrong. And look forwards towards the good stuff more.

My stupid new year’s resolution isn’t just finally studying and such things, but not getting in my own way. If I want to do something, I want to stop myself from stopping myself. I want to be the most adventurous version of myself.

What’s your new years resolution?


friendships, high school, psyche

Conditioning is something that has been a lot on my mind lately. Because of this post from Tumblr:

-If you can’t see it well, click on it!-


Conditioning means this:

A process of changing behaviour by rewarding or punishing a subject each time an action is performed.

I thought back to my biologie classes and was so relieved, like someone just told me “Hey! You aren’t a horrible person after all. Yay!”. I always thought the first thought you had was the real one, like an instinct and the thoughts after that one were there as afterthought. The more socially acceptable afterthought.

It means that every time you do something, you either get a reward (e.g. people laugh at your joke) or you get punished (e.g. people make nasty remarks at you). It basically says, you are either in or out of the group.

Being in high school means dealing with new people, new groups all the time and if you want to fit in… You have to adapt, a little at least. It’s like testing the water; see what the other person reacts well on (e.g. white girl jokes) or really not (e.g. satanic worshipping).

The picture says that the first thought you have is the conditioned one, the second one is your true thought. I think that theorie is right, by conditioning you can learn behaviour to save your life; like putting water immediately on your burn. That isn’t a reflex, letting go or the hot object is, but the water part is something you have conditioned you mind to think.

High school is like a hot pan on the stove, every time you get burned you find a way to get time stove to like you better, to accept you and.. wait what? Well, you know what I mean! My point is is that friends change you, bullies change you, experiences change you and sometimes you can’t find your way back to who you used to be.

You think all these negative things you never used to think and then you feel guilty, because you don’t even know this person, this girl/guy and you have this jealous, hateful opinion in your head, but that might not be you. It might just be how you survived all this time, because after you think “Jezus what a slut, she only wear that to get attention.” you think “Damn it, where the hell did that come from? I wish I looked that good in jeans, she’s just confident. Go you girl!”.

It’s something you taught yourself, because other have said it before you and that’s how you fit is. By thinking alike, but take a minute before you say anything, keep thinking and thinking until you get back to how you really feel and say that. Don’t get swept up in other people’s opinions if they make you feel bad. Conditioning is a good thing when it’s helping you fit in or saving your life in an accident, but it can also make you feel like you are a bad person. You are not, it’s the thought after the first one that defines you. If that is good, you are.

Soulmate or regular Joe?

boys, psyche

This week, when I was jogging(or better said walking) with Anna we started talking about soulmates.

Anna, whom I had never expected this from, said she maybe did. She said that sometimes things happen that are too weird to be just a coincidence. She said that when stuff like that happens you have to wonder if there is some kind of destiny out there.

Wow, think about it. What if there was some greater destiny to make sure you end up with the right person? How great would that be? Then the pressure is kinda off the whole dating thing, because you know all the bad dates and stuff happens just to make you into the person you need to become before you can meet your guy or girl.

But the thing is, even if destiny is real,
we would never know, would we? You have to have a huge amount of faith in something that could never be proven.
(Kind of like all religions, I guess)

Blair from GossipGirl says that destiny is for losers. She says “It’s just some stupid excuse to wait for things to happen instead of making them happen.” She’s got a point.

Is it maybe better to believe in finding a great person and working on your relationship rather than thinking you’ll meet this insanely amazing and think everything will just be perfect after that?

Studies have shown that people with the more realistic view(who believe in relationships that need work to grow) actually have longer lasting ones than the soulmate peeps. I thinks that’s because the soulmate-believers give up a lot sooner on someone when they come across someone’s flaws. They think ‘Oh, he can’t be my soulmate, my soulmate would never be a little vain.’ And they move on, throwing away someone whom they might just be really happy with.

In fact, why do we dump someone for having flaws? That would mean we were perfect, and let’s be honest, no one is.

Okay, I’m gonna get all nerdy now. When we fall in love we, at first, we don’t look at how compatible we are and stuff. We don’t look at what kind of children you would get with that person.

That all happens later when the prefrontal cortex get’s in the game. That part of the brain is more of planning and weighing the pro’s and con’s against each other. Before that, when you are in the phase when you can’t stop thinking about someone, it has nothing to do with finding someone who is right for you in the future, but all the more with getting a rush when you see them. About instant results, nothing longterm.

So when you fall in love it’s a lot like getting high on teh other person, instead of being compatible and perfect for the other. How do we know if that person is a perfect fit,or if he or she might still be very wrong for us?

The answer is quite simple if we ask Dick Swaab, my all time hero and writer of the book ‘We are our brain’. After the initial falling in love phase, our brain moves on to the more serious part and we actually start picturing a future with someone. So if you make it past that stage, you know it’s for real. If you don’t, well, sometimes a person just isn’t right for you, even though that sucks.

All of this is why I vote Regular Joe! If you can truly accept someone for who he is, flaws and all… Who says he or she can’t be your soulmate? Because that’s kind of what a soulmate is right? Someone who is a perfect fit for you and whom you can be happy with the rest of your life. If you can accept someone completely, chances are you will only see the good parts of them after a while and you’ll want to keep them close for the rest of your life, not just talking about love here, friendship too.