friendships, high school, psyche

After my whole speech below (‘Seniors’) it turns out I will stay at my school 2 more years. Ugh.

As much as the thought of leaving filled me with nostalgia and this bittersweet feeling of goodbye… Staying makes me feel both incredibly excited to do well and be better, but also makes me feel indecisive and anxious.

I stand at crossroads. When I was researching ancient Greek mythology for a paper I learned about Hecate, the Goddess of Crossroads.

She is this magical, powerful being who let’s you decide your fate on the choices you make. You always have 3 choices in front of you: West, North and East. You also have a fourth option: to not make a choice and go backwards. To go South. You can never stop moving, you only choose which way you’ll go. Crossroads.

Going for another 2 years at my school is something that I needed badly. It’s not just what I need to get into a university. It’s like a second chance. My last 1 to 2 years I regressed as a person. When I stood at my crossroads then I chose backwards. I still regret it.

I believe everything happens so you can learn from it. I’ve learned that I can never let that happen again. Some bad stuff happened and I felt like I didn’t deserve to go forward again. I kept giving my friends space until I was completely isolated in the end. Its easy to do this, ridiculously easy even. It’s even more ridiculous how hard it is to get back to the point you started at.

Now I feel like I have a clean slate: most people I knew from school are gone and now I can be whoever I want to be. But…

Who the hell is that?



friendships, high school

This time of year is seriously filled with longing: for being graduated, for sun, for summer. It’s as if anticipation is the air we breathe at school now.

Our finals are almost here and I honestly thought we would all be a hell of a lot more grown up. I always pictured us prepared and  looking a lot older. When I used to think  about this moment it would be distant and far off and I am still clinging to that vision. The truth is, this time of year is scary. I am terrified I won’t make it. This month will define if we graduate or not. Thinking about having to do those tests gives me so much anxiety, I can’t even tell you.

Oddly enough I am also looking forward towards it. This year I’ve learned to smile when something seems scary to me, because anxiety and excitement are like love and hate: very close together. Dreaming about the summer has helped me look forward to the exams and most of all the last one, haha. Also: pills. Just kidding. Kind of…

As much as I am looking forward towards summer break and being graduated,  I can’t help myself from feeling nostalgic. I am looking forward to the fresh start I am going to make and I have hated this school intensely, but it’s where I learned everything and met amazing people. To think that next year all those amazing people will be gone makes me sad. Nothing more. Nothing less. It makes me sad. All those people whom I was in that hell with are going to vastly different places, we were in this together and now we are all going our own ways and I feel lost without them around. Maybe that is what growing up feels like.

So I am going to cling to these last weeks, with all my heart, because as much as I wish some people would just fall off the face off the earth and stay there, there are still some that made those 5 years bearable. I am even going to enjoy waking up early, sitting in those boring classes and being around those jerks. I am going to miss them. I just know it. I am going to miss every horrible aspect of that school, which is insane, I mean High School Musical didn’t happen; there was no Troy Bolton, my locker isn’t decorated and at the prom I will have no cute feather haired boyfriend.

And yet I am so sure that I will miss them, it is probably just graduation goggles, but fuck, this place is all I know. It has been our little world for so long, it’s where we grew up and started becoming tiny adults. Now we have to say goodbye to everyone who was there in it with us and that thought isn’t sinking in at all. It is so weird, maybe it’s the fear of the big bad world out there, maybe it’s having to say goodbye to my friends, but I will miss this place, I really will.

Of course there is still a part in me that wants to see it burn to the ground, but yeah.


friendships, high school, psyche

Holy crap the year is over. 2014 and 2013 have been the most insane, wonderful, awful, eyeopening, jaw dropping, amazing years ever. I have done so much that I never thought I would do, granted a lot of things I now look back at with a cringing face whispering to myself ‘O god why did I do that?’ but still.

Just two years ago I was desperately hoping something exciting would happen and kind of afraid it never would, but damn it, it happened. I have gone to party’s, had crushes, embarrassed myself in front of said crushes, made friends with complete strangers and had roughly 20,000,000,000 clarifying moments.

I have done and seen things that never even entered my mind when I was daydreaming about the future. I have gone to England and fallen in love with it, I have done a 5K(that was TOUGH!), I have done a pants-trade, have thought of a concept for a book, gone to concerts, gone to another Vogue night out, shopped more than ever in my entire life and realised truly how much my friends and family mean to me. And that’s a lot.

These years have been the weirdest and greatest of my life, but I can’t help but look back at it kind of sad. It was amazing at some times, but there is also a lot I would love to forget. Things I wish didn’t happen and things I wish I had done. But that’s what I love about this day, this evening, I leave it all behind. Now, don’t you worry, I’m not going to say ‘New Year , new me!” haha, but I am saying let’s leave it all behind. Everything. The good, but especially the bad. It’s been enough, we have obsessed, dreamed and thought about the bad way too much. It’s time for something new, a clean slate. The only thing that is standing in our way is us and it’s time to let it go. Think of last year, the first couple of things that pop in your head were the most important. For me, the bad stuff is overshadowing everything, even though there has been so much greatness. I’m going to stop focussing so much on things that went wrong. And look forwards towards the good stuff more.

My stupid new year’s resolution isn’t just finally studying and such things, but not getting in my own way. If I want to do something, I want to stop myself from stopping myself. I want to be the most adventurous version of myself.

What’s your new years resolution?


friendships, high school, psyche

Conditioning is something that has been a lot on my mind lately. Because of this post from Tumblr:

-If you can’t see it well, click on it!-


Conditioning means this:

A process of changing behaviour by rewarding or punishing a subject each time an action is performed.

I thought back to my biologie classes and was so relieved, like someone just told me “Hey! You aren’t a horrible person after all. Yay!”. I always thought the first thought you had was the real one, like an instinct and the thoughts after that one were there as afterthought. The more socially acceptable afterthought.

It means that every time you do something, you either get a reward (e.g. people laugh at your joke) or you get punished (e.g. people make nasty remarks at you). It basically says, you are either in or out of the group.

Being in high school means dealing with new people, new groups all the time and if you want to fit in… You have to adapt, a little at least. It’s like testing the water; see what the other person reacts well on (e.g. white girl jokes) or really not (e.g. satanic worshipping).

The picture says that the first thought you have is the conditioned one, the second one is your true thought. I think that theorie is right, by conditioning you can learn behaviour to save your life; like putting water immediately on your burn. That isn’t a reflex, letting go or the hot object is, but the water part is something you have conditioned you mind to think.

High school is like a hot pan on the stove, every time you get burned you find a way to get time stove to like you better, to accept you and.. wait what? Well, you know what I mean! My point is is that friends change you, bullies change you, experiences change you and sometimes you can’t find your way back to who you used to be.

You think all these negative things you never used to think and then you feel guilty, because you don’t even know this person, this girl/guy and you have this jealous, hateful opinion in your head, but that might not be you. It might just be how you survived all this time, because after you think “Jezus what a slut, she only wear that to get attention.” you think “Damn it, where the hell did that come from? I wish I looked that good in jeans, she’s just confident. Go you girl!”.

It’s something you taught yourself, because other have said it before you and that’s how you fit is. By thinking alike, but take a minute before you say anything, keep thinking and thinking until you get back to how you really feel and say that. Don’t get swept up in other people’s opinions if they make you feel bad. Conditioning is a good thing when it’s helping you fit in or saving your life in an accident, but it can also make you feel like you are a bad person. You are not, it’s the thought after the first one that defines you. If that is good, you are.


feminism, friendships

Lesbians. Jup.

This is a topic that lately has been popping up everywhere in my life, strangely. I’m not coming out to you (yet) haha, which makes this even stranger.

See, this summer while I was dancing with my awesome friend Scarlett and this guy kept hitting on her even though she was not interested at all. After the eleventh time or so I suddenly had a plan. A mad plan, but still a plan.

I saw him come over again and this time I  put my arm around Scar and touched her hair and stuff, then when I knew he was looking I yelled “She’s mine, baby!” and we ran. While we we’re making our way from him yet again, I looked back at him and seriously it was the funniest thing I have ever seen. His jaw had dropped and I think in his shocked state he could only elbow his friends a little, trying to get them to notice this miraculous event.

Not only did that guy come back later, still wanting to dance with Scarlett, we we’re also asked to kiss by a different guy who knew nothing of my little stunt. What is it with guys and lesbians? What’s with the double standard? If girls kiss it’s the hottest thing on earth, but when guys do it it is suddenly a crime or something.

And it’s not just that, lesbians are divided into two sections. Hotties and dykes. I don’t think that’s fair at all. I think the term ‘dyke’ is beyond offensive and the hottie section is just goddamn superficial.
The ‘dyke’ term is out-dated I think, lots of feminine women find out they are gay and that whole butch image is so done. Maybe in the last century any women with a short haircut and a toolbox in her home would be seen as a man hating lesbian, but come on! Haven’t we evolved? Nowadays it just means that we really dig that whole Michelle Williams look and we don’t need men to repair a leaky toilet for us, we can do it our damn selves.

And for the hotties, men only like that lesbian part of the deal, because in their heads it’s all just one big fantasy waiting to happen. It’s ridiculous and offensive! It suggests that these women are only temporarily gay or something, like it’s a fase! Well, guess what? Neither of these images are right. The modern lesbian is strong and not just in the carrying a hammer kind of way. She is manly in a entirely different way, because coming out really takes a big ol’ set of crown jewels, if you know what I mean. And she might just be fashionable too, sexy even, who knows?
See that’s my point, all these stereotypes are just that, rough sketches of what used to be, but sadly they stick. It’s not just that they are outdated, but real lesbians today are bombarded with questions like “But if you’re a lesbian why do you have long hair?” making it even harder for girls to come out(this of course also applies to men).

Let’s put those images and labels away, It’s been enough. Just look at the person instead of that image you had of what it should look like. That’s life, sometimes thing aren’t what you think they look like. And sometimes you should just look.

Faith restored

boys, friendships

Okay, so I was talking to my guy friend Jeremy, on Messenger and we started talking about awkwardness when meeting new people and J said that he was such a wreck when talking to new girls. My jaw dropped. “GUYS HAVE THAT TOO?!” I basically screamed at my phone.

All this time I was thinking that the role of awkward lead character was going to us girls, but here J was saying that guys are just as nervous. Where was this info all my life?

He said that he was like one of those typical awkward guys from the movies(I still don’t know what movies he is talking about, I only see the awkward girls everywhere, but okay). He doesn’t know what to talk about and get’s super nervous. I showed him this gem of a picture, because it basically describes my entire life.



He said he could relate, haha. I still can’t believe that most guys are just as nervous as we are. J made it seem like he was so nervous with new girls that he could only mumble awkwardly and make weird remarks and that is supposed to be my role.

I guess it does matter what sort of vibe(as a girl) you give off. If you act all high-and-mighty and don’t comfort the dude at all, you can expect him to become a wreck right? So lets not do that, but still… It is really nice to know that meeting new people is anxiety inducing to everyone. It’s not just for girls. Now that he told me I do notice it,  sometimes when I talk to a guy he might get red, laugh nervously or get fidgety with his hands. To me now, those are little signs that you can have an affect on others too, not just them on you. And damn, that feels good.

Soulmate or regular Joe?

boys, psyche

This week, when I was jogging(or better said walking) with Anna we started talking about soulmates.

Anna, whom I had never expected this from, said she maybe did. She said that sometimes things happen that are too weird to be just a coincidence. She said that when stuff like that happens you have to wonder if there is some kind of destiny out there.

Wow, think about it. What if there was some greater destiny to make sure you end up with the right person? How great would that be? Then the pressure is kinda off the whole dating thing, because you know all the bad dates and stuff happens just to make you into the person you need to become before you can meet your guy or girl.

But the thing is, even if destiny is real,
we would never know, would we? You have to have a huge amount of faith in something that could never be proven.
(Kind of like all religions, I guess)

Blair from GossipGirl says that destiny is for losers. She says “It’s just some stupid excuse to wait for things to happen instead of making them happen.” She’s got a point.

Is it maybe better to believe in finding a great person and working on your relationship rather than thinking you’ll meet this insanely amazing and think everything will just be perfect after that?

Studies have shown that people with the more realistic view(who believe in relationships that need work to grow) actually have longer lasting ones than the soulmate peeps. I thinks that’s because the soulmate-believers give up a lot sooner on someone when they come across someone’s flaws. They think ‘Oh, he can’t be my soulmate, my soulmate would never be a little vain.’ And they move on, throwing away someone whom they might just be really happy with.

In fact, why do we dump someone for having flaws? That would mean we were perfect, and let’s be honest, no one is.

Okay, I’m gonna get all nerdy now. When we fall in love we, at first, we don’t look at how compatible we are and stuff. We don’t look at what kind of children you would get with that person.

That all happens later when the prefrontal cortex get’s in the game. That part of the brain is more of planning and weighing the pro’s and con’s against each other. Before that, when you are in the phase when you can’t stop thinking about someone, it has nothing to do with finding someone who is right for you in the future, but all the more with getting a rush when you see them. About instant results, nothing longterm.

So when you fall in love it’s a lot like getting high on teh other person, instead of being compatible and perfect for the other. How do we know if that person is a perfect fit,or if he or she might still be very wrong for us?

The answer is quite simple if we ask Dick Swaab, my all time hero and writer of the book ‘We are our brain’. After the initial falling in love phase, our brain moves on to the more serious part and we actually start picturing a future with someone. So if you make it past that stage, you know it’s for real. If you don’t, well, sometimes a person just isn’t right for you, even though that sucks.

All of this is why I vote Regular Joe! If you can truly accept someone for who he is, flaws and all… Who says he or she can’t be your soulmate? Because that’s kind of what a soulmate is right? Someone who is a perfect fit for you and whom you can be happy with the rest of your life. If you can accept someone completely, chances are you will only see the good parts of them after a while and you’ll want to keep them close for the rest of your life, not just talking about love here, friendship too.



Don’t you sometimes wish you could actually say what you were thinking?

I have this all the time and I know my friend Gemma has this too, we both kind of have an eye for interesting looking guys and every now and we always say “Daaaymnn”. Sometimes the guy in question hears though. The embarrassment is real you guys.

I was at a film gala sort of thing. This insanely hot dude comes on stage and I was thinking “Daaaymn”. Apparently I forgot I was front row, sitting 3 feet from him and that it was super quiet. Yes, apparently I forgot all that because I said that “Daaaaymn.” out loud. Very loud. Heads turning, me sinking away in my chair, that guy probably hearing. A night to forget rather than remember.

But let’s say it isn’t about showing you appreciation of the opposite gender in a somewhat vocal way, but when you really want to speak your mind. Like when that annoying boy who sits in bio with you makes yet another nasty remark at someone or when you actually, really like someone and it’s not yet ‘appropriate’ too.

My friend Gemma seems to be the only other person who understands me when I say that I really like a boy, when I have only spoken once to him. See, we can see the future in it’s best of ways.. The fake, made-up kind. We could see ourselves have a first date, deep conversations and baby’s with a guy we see walking down the street. Now imagine us talking to a real life guy. Wow. And we are quite easily impressed too because it only takes two things for us to go from “Oh he’s nice” to “He’s so pretty I wanna cry”.

1. He needs to either have our sense of humor or the same taste in music or pretty much anything we like too and BAM.

2.The lighting. Carrie from Sex and the City called it the zaza-zoo “You know that butterfly in your stomach thing”. Well, we call it the lighting, you know when you lock eyes and it feels like your heart explodes. Ha, beat that Carrie!

When a guy has those two things he has us and it’s really not that hard since we create number 2 mostly because we are so nervous, seeing our crush and all.

What really bugs me is that I can’t say “I like you” to a guy, when I do. Like what’s with all the secrecy? It’s bullshit, I would love to tell some dude “I like you” even if it’s weird because it’s only the second time we talked. “I like you” does not mean “Marry me and love me forever!” in secret girl-language. But how great would it be if there was a secret girl language? That would be amazing.

Anyways guys always complain about girls being so vague, should we just tell them what we think and be honest about what we feel and want? Or would that be a whole new level of creepy? If we told them the truth about what went on in our heads would they run for the hills with their tails between their legs?

They probably would, maybe it’s better to just ease them into our crazy, haha. But still, does that mean we shouldn’t be frank when it comes to how we feel about the dude himself? Does that mean we have to keep pretending to not like a guy even when we totally do? I always see these girls in movies saying “I like you” in this oh-so casual way and the guy says something like “right back at ya” and there’s no freaking out, there is only a mild awkwardness and nothin’ else. You know what, I’m going to use that move, guys come out of the blue with stupid and bold pick-up lines all the time(sadly). So a nonchalant and simple “I like you” can’t hurt right?  I think, ladies, if we keep it simple and ease them into the whirlwind of thoughts that go on beneath that humongous hair we will be allright. Just don’t Ted up(HIMYM joke, sorry) and say “I think I’m in love with you” on your first date, that would be awkward.


Boys love being ignored


My friend Anna told me this fact and I seriously didn’t believe it, but it’s true: boys love being ignored.

There once was this guy and he wanted me to come over and hang out, get a drink. I really didn’t want to and said no. Poof! Like magic his interest in me went from average to constant texts and I could count on a call every weekend. Why is it that we need to ignore a guy for a guy to notice us?

Some people have stated that it’s probably a primal thing, where men still need a hunt in order to feel like they accomplished something. I don’t like it that in this statement the chick is the prey. No thank you. But maybe there is some truth to that statement, like this instinct is still in their DNA. Playing hard to get can be sexy, but what if you’re hard to want? Then what? You are just subtlety ignoring someone who doesn’t even know you exist. That’s the huge flaw in the hard-to-get game, if the other person isn’t interested in you, you can’t play.

But the question remains: why? What is the fun in it? Are guys even aware that they are driven by this law that a girl is only interesting if she isn’t interested? Do they know how annoying that is?!

I did research. My friend Steven had asked me the night before if I wanted to hang out. I was already about 3 hours asleep in my flannel jammies when he sent that, I mean dude it’s 01:00 am what do you expect from me? The next morning I had asked him why he was texting me and after he responded I ignored him the rest of the day. It was late at night when he caught me ignoring him and he asked me to the movies. So far Anna was right. The movies fell through and it became a hangout at his house with his friend Joe.

The hangout itself was pretty okay, after some discussions going nowhere I asked them point blank “Is playing hard-to-get sexy?”. After the initial shock of the question they answered that they both didn’t like it much, they didn’t like being ignored. Jeez, welcome to my world boys. I’ve got a masters degree in being ignored as my Twitter hero Fat Amy would say.

But they also said that a girl who says yes at the first try is probably desperate. Ergo you need to play hard ball or you’ll seem way too eager. I don’t really understand why a girl would seem desperate or over-eager if she says yes to a drink when a guy asks her. Don’t ask if you don’t want an answer.

A girl is supposed to be arrogant, but not too arrogant. A girl is supposed to play it cool or she’ll seem desperate. A girl is supposed to be absolutely gorgeous and the guys what do they look like? Yeah, they don’t have Efron’s abs or Gosling’s face and they certainly don’t have Dicaprio’s charm, no no. But in their minds they have all of that and more apparently because they act like they can get any girl.

So to the guys, here’s my advice: don’t act like you have the ability to be choosy. Try and be a nice guy and if that fails, hit the gym. Hard. Then we can talk.

To the girls, if you watch ‘How I Met Your Mother’ and you should, you know JLo is in one of the episodes. She plays writer Anita, she’s on Robyn’s news show where she talk about her new book called ‘Of Course You’re Still Single Take A Look At Yourself You Dumb Slut’ and damn it, she has a point. If you like a guy and he seems interested in you, sadly you can’t just say “Yes, yes a million times yes!” the very first time he asks you for a drink. Decline a couple of times and he’ll come running. Anita talks about the power of saying no and it seemed to work very well for her and who am I to argue with JLo?

Boys are dumb, like really really dumb and they will always drive us crazy, that’s just a fact. Tough if you know what the rules to the game are, you can actually start playing. And maybe even win.


Guy-Girl friendships


Guy-Girl friendships is something that is in my opinion immensely underrated. I know that most people think that guys and girls can’t be friends, but I strongly disagree.

I have some guy friends and yes, sadly some of them act as if we are only friends until we get it on(nope, that’s never going to happen) but the other, thankfully larger portion, are truly my friends and I love having them. When you are hanging out with a couple of dudes it’s like you have entered a drama-free zone,  they don’t (over-)analyse and that can be so refreshing. If you are waiting for a rom-com plot twist in your friendship with a guy then maybe its just not for you, because you can’t expect to have a real friendship with a boy and still be waiting for him to turn into your perfect boyfriend. Life isn’t a Kathy Heighl movie(thank god!) and once you have accepted that, a lot of fun stuff is waiting for you. Like guy friends.

Here are a couple of pro’s listed:

  • They are in for ANYTHING

This one time in the middle of a class, my friend Daniel had some candy’s but they weren’t just watermelon flavoured, they also consisted of the hottest pepper on the planet. The other two guys saw the candy’s and without thinking anything through, they popped them in their mouthes and the rest of the class consisted of me laughing at them and them half dying because the sweets were burning their tongues off. Best class ever.

  • You can release your inner Tom-Boy

Let’s face it, not a lot of girls loveee talking about AK-47’s and COD. That’s where the boys can  come in handy, they won’t think you’re weird for wanting Michonne’s katana from ‘The Walking Dead’, they will tell you you can buy that sucker on Amazon. It’s so freeing to be able to talk about gross stuff, games and guns, it’s my favorite thing about being friends with dudes.

  • It’s a drama-free-zone

Man, I love that guys never talk about girls except in the “Check out that ass!” way. Don’t get me wrong I do not like it when guys treat girls like meat, but not hearing guys talk bitchy about other guys or overanalysing about girls is sometimes a nice break from the everlasting girl gossiping.

  • And the best thing about being  friends with a guy is when they share stuff with you.

I once read this article that men don’t go to other men when they want to talk about their problems, they go to females. I think that that’s very true, never have I ever heard a conversation between to boys pouring their hearts out. Tough my friend Daniel did come to me once asking things about a girl who he just didn’t understand at all. It’s very reassuring to know that sometimes boys are just as confused with girls as we are with them.

Girls can be friends with guys without it having to turn weird, just be open about how you see that person, so no secret flirting or whatnot! Look at a guy like he is truly a friend, a brother almost and it will never become more, because that would feel wrong. It’s so much fun hanging out with guys and to be in a drama-free zone, so go for it and stop looking at every guy you meet like a potential bf, but like a bff(sorry, couldn’t resist).